New Puppy

I don't know why God wants us to change and grow. My guess is that He is still creating this world and in this world and He prefers us malleable. Easier on the fingers, I suppose. I also think that He wants to improve our lives by gently or terribly, roughly, miserably drawing us farther from ourselves and closer and closer to Him.

We got a puppy. She is sitting next to me right now. And while this puppy is cute and sweet and she smells like puppy and she stumbles all over herself like puppy...the truth is that I hate having a puppy. I hate how out of control a puppy makes me. I hate that I cannot plan for the behavior of a puppy, the needs, the time commitments, the strain, the requirements of having a puppy. I hate how it makes my mind race. I hate how my heart beats in my chest and I can't breathe. I hate how sick to my stomach it all makes me feel. I hate puppies.

And it all really does make me feel this way. I am terrified of this little, tiny, nonhuman life.

She is change. Change for our family, change for my life, change to the routine, change to our rhythm. And I resist change.

And God keeps putting change in my path.

It is hard to not be hard-hearted about it. To trust that time will fill in some of these gaping, empty holes in my heart and in my belly. To wait patiently for a new kind of something to emerge with new relationships and new norms. To believe that something different could, in fact, be good.

I can't imagine how it felt for the Jews who encountered Jesus. How would I have ever believed it? Trusted, waited, believed? Sunday is Easter and all I can think is what a terrible Christian I am and thank you to God.

Thank you for changing the world through a puppy in my time and not the second coming of Jesus. I would be in so much trouble if that was the case. I would probably ditch the puppy, pray for the rapture, and board up my windows. Such faith....

She is waking up. Time to get back to it.